The Inner Teen
No doubt many of us carry unresolved pain, anger, confusion, or even trauma, from our teenage years, both from peer relationships, as well as familial bonds. While it sucks, it’s incredibly common that these wounds manifest in our adult lives as things like self-doubt, impulsive decision-making, struggles with identity, and even depression, and anxiety.
I don’t know about you, but it’s taken me a long time to shake off my teens, and to be honest, there are still deeper wounds I’m sewing up. I’ve only just begun to understand how Inner Teen work can help us bridge the gaps between being a child, and who we are now. While learning to love, accept and/or reparent your Inner Child(ren) is one thing, doing the same for your Inner Teen(s) is a MUST to help us better understand the adults we’ve become.
The Inner Teenager(s) represents the pivotal developmental stage when we first began asserting independence. They may have experienced misunderstanding, trauma, or rejection upon such assertion, which greatly impacts how we come to learn and understand the world around us, especially in relation to our peers.
Working with this part of ourselves, especially through the Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens, can be transformative, allowing us to reconnect, heal, and integrate the Inner Teen(s)’ unmet needs. Let’s take a look…
Understanding the Inner Teenager in IFS
In IFS, our psyche is seen as a collection of “Parts,” each having their own roles, feelings, desires, and traumas. One of the most impactful parts we often neglect are our Protector Parts; the parts of us that are likely our Inner Teenager(s). It’s incredibly common that we become blended with these Parts, and recognize their fear-driven, emotionally dysregulated behavior as our own.
Protector Parts often carry both the rebellious energy and emotional scars of adolescence (they are often us in our teenage years), and show up as both Managers, and/or Firefighters. These Parts can show up in a number of ways like defensiveness, people-pleasing, controlling, perfectionism, and many others.
Since adolescence is a time of rapid growth and emotional vulnerability, many of us find ourselves experiencing judgment, isolation, drama, and/or unresolved conflict during this time period, and because the Inner Teenager can hold onto these memories, they can easily continue to influence our behaviors well into adulthood. This is why we look to heal the Inner Teenager, and bridge the gap from our Inner Child, to our Adult-Self.
Here’s How to Connect:
Create a Safe Space: Before engaging with your Inner Teenager(s), it's essential to create a safe, supportive space within yourself by tapping into Self energy. Approach your Parts with curiosity, and suspend judgment. In IFS, the Self (your core) leads the healing, offering compassion and understanding to the parts that feel wounded or neglected.
Dialogue with Your Inner Teenager: One effective way to reconnect is to visualize your teenage self and engage in a dialogue. Ask questions like:
"What did you need all those years ago?"
"What were you feeling during that time?"
"How can I help you now?"
Allow your Inner Teenager to express emotions like anger, sadness, or confusion without trying to fix or change them.
Validate Their Feelings: Many of us felt misunderstood or dismissed as teenagers. Healing involves validating your Inner Teenager's experiences and letting them know their feelings were (and are) important, and their experiences were real.
Rewrite the Story: This is an opportunity to reclaim your teenage years by reframing painful experiences. Imagine yourself, as the adult you are now, supporting your teenage self during challenging moments. Give yourself what you needed then, now.
Set Boundaries and Integrate: The rebellious or defensive behaviors your Inner Teenager may have exhibited Protected your Inner Child(ren), or Exiles, from feeling pain, shame, or other uncomfortable, exposing feelings, but let them know that they can relax, and that their services are no longer needed. While it's important to honor the role they’ve played, and thank them, you can also reassure them that you, as your adult self, are capable of protecting them in healthier ways now. Gently set boundaries and integrate their energy into your present Self.
As you begin to heal your Inner Teenager, you may notice that emotional triggers become less intense. You'll react to situations with more calmness and self-awareness.
Adolescence often shapes how we perceive ourselves. By healing this part, you may find yourself shedding negative self-images that no longer serve you and embracing a more empowered, authentic self.
Working with your Inner Teenager is clearly a profound part of the healing journey. Through the IFS framework, you can not only understand but also heal the wounded parts that continue to influence your life. By unburdening and integrating these Parts, you gain the opportunity to live a more balanced, creative, and fulfilling life.
Embrace the process with patience and compassion—your Inner Teenager is waiting to be seen, heard, and healed.
Be well,
L
