Understanding & Overcoming Shame
Shame is one of the most challenging emotions we experience as humans.
As Brené Brown, an expert on researching human emotion (in particular, shame and vulnerability), has put it this way, “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.”
Whoa.
Even more simply put, it’s the stuff you’re painfully embarrassed for other people to know, because if they knew, they would reject you, disconnect from you, laugh at you, etc.
It can be anything like coming from a broken home, or having a drinking problem, to having poor reading skills, or being overweight. (It’s worth noting that if you have shame around your body, or something like your weight, that can feel even more sinister because your physical person, is not something you can hide easily)
Shame is that one inner voice telling us we’re not good enough BECAUSE OF THAT THING (or many things). Shame tells us that we’ve made an irredeemable mistake, or that we are somehow unworthy of love and belonging because of SOMETHING about us.
Shame is an emotion we feel when we believe we’ve done something wrong, or worse—that we are inherently flawed. Unlike guilt, which is tied to actions ("I did something bad"), shame is internalized ("I am bad").
Shame often works in the shadows, feeding off our vulnerabilities and isolating us from others. It hates being spoken of, shown or talked about and yet… that is exactly how we will free ourselves from its painful grip.
Common Experiences of Shame
Shame can show up in countless ways in our everyday lives, but I wanted to take a moment to offer a few examples here:
Social interactions: Feeling shame when we say something embarrassing or are excluded from a group.
Perfectionism: The belief that anything less than perfect is a failure, leading to self-criticism.
Body image: Feeling ashamed of how we look, which is often reinforced by unrealistic societal standards.
Mistakes and failures: Whether it's a professional failure or a personal mistake, shame creeps in when we internalize those moments as reflections of our worth.
Family dynamics: Growing up with critical or emotionally distant parents can foster deep feelings of shame.
In other words… Shame says… “I grew up in a broken home, and I keep that to myself because if others found out, they would not love or accept me. I won’t belong.”
Shame says… “I was made fun of by my peers in middle school for failing a class, and now feeling stupid in front of others is a trigger for me.”
Shame says… “I am going to make my life look perfect so that no one knows my partner is cheating on me with the neighbor.”
Ultimately, the antidote for shame is speaking its name, and approaching it with compassion, and empathy.
The Arch Nemesis of Shame is Empathy
Empathy is the most powerful antidote to shame. When we feel shame, we often withdraw, believing that we’re alone in our experience. But empathy reminds us that we’re not alone.
Plenty of people have come from broken homes… many people don’t do great in school… no one’s life is perfect… Whatever causes you shame, you can probably take an honest look around and recognize that you are not alone.
The act of connecting with another person on an emotional level, sharing, and allowing yourself to be in a safe space to feel seen and understood, is one of the greatest healers of shame.
When we share our shameful experiences with someone who responds with empathy, it takes away shame’s power.
Knowing that someone else understands, without judgment, allows us to open up and heal. In these moments shame loses its grip, and we can begin to see ourselves with more compassion, curiosity, and courage.
Before They See You, See Yourself
While empathy from others can help us overcome shame, the real work often starts from within ourselves. Self-Compassion, a term coined by psychologist Kristin Neff, involves treating yourself with the same kindness and care you would offer a friend. It consists of three core components:
Self-Kindness: Instead of being harshly critical of yourself when things go wrong, practice curiosity and gentleness. Remind yourself that imperfection is part of being human. No one is perfect! Doing some IFS Parts work with your Inner Critic can be SO key here.
Common Humanity: Shame often isolates us, or makes us want to isolate ourselves, making us feel like we’re the only ones struggling. But self-compassion reminds us that suffering and mistakes are part of the human experience. We are all connected through our imperfections. We are all experiencing this together, and while our experiences might not be exactly the same, we can all understand feeling things like grief, sadness, joy, embarrassment, etc.
Mindfulness: Acknowledge your emotions without judgment. When shame arises, recognize it without letting it consume you. Practice being present with your feelings without over-identifying with them. See them. Hear them. Let them go.
Combating Shame
Talk About It: I named my podcast Let’s Talk About It for a reason y’all. Talking about it, whatever IT is, demystifies, sheds lights, connects and raises awareness. If we’re not talking about it, what are we doing? Find a trusted person to share your feelings of shame with, whether it’s a friend, family member, or a professional. Verbalizing your shame helps release its hold on you, especially when met with empathy.
Practice: When shame arises, take a moment to practice speak kindly to yourself. Instead of berating yourself for a mistake, offer words of understanding and care. When you notice yourself wanting to hide, take that moment to get present, and feel into what’s coming up for you.
Challenge: Pay attention to the voice of your Inner Critic Part that perpetuates shame. Does it have a name? Is it you, younger? Ask yourself, “Is this voice helpful? Would I speak to a friend this way?” Often, our Inner Critic exaggerates and distorts reality. Open up a dialogue with this Part of yourself and see if you can’t find some common ground. Afterall, it’s a PART of YOU.
Reframe: Try to see your mistakes or imperfections through a compassionate lens, or a lens of opportunity. Instead of viewing them as proof of your unworthiness, see them as opportunities for growth, learning and most importantly, healing.
Shame thrives in secrecy and self-criticism, but empathy and self-compassion can break its chains.
By sharing our experiences with others, recognizing that we’re not alone in our struggles, and by offering ourselves kindness, we can begin to let go of shame and embrace our worth.
Healing from shame is not about perfection but about accepting ourselves fully—flaws and all.
Be well,
L
