Healing Your Inner Child(ren)

In the journey toward self-discovery and emotional healing, Inner Child Work has emerged in recent years as a powerful tool for understanding and integrating the Parts of ourselves that were shaped by our early childhood experiences, and relationships, both with family and peers.

This kind of inner work is intricately connected to the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, a therapeutic approach that views the mind as a system of different Parts, each with their own role and perspective. By delving into Inner Child Work through the lens of IFS, we can unlock deeper understanding of our psyche, leading to greater emotional balance, self-compassion, and personal growth.

Inner Child Work is all about going deep, down into your roots, way back into your childhood to heal emotional wounds and untangle any trauma that might be keeping you from flourishing.

Inner Child Work involves recognizing and reconnecting with the childlike aspects of ourselves that have been wounded, neglected, or repressed over time. These parts often carry the emotions, beliefs, and memories from our early years, influencing how we perceive the world and interact with others in our adult life.

When we acknowledge and nurture these inner child Parts, we can heal old wounds, release limiting beliefs, and develop a real sense of self-acceptance.

After all, if your inner child(ren) are anything like mine… they just want to be included! They want to ride shotgun, and explore the experiences of life with their own sense of wonder and awe, which is truly a beautiful feeling to hold onto throughout your life.

If you haven’t seen it already, I did an episode of Let’s Talk About It on IFS, which you can watch here - but let’s get into it below…

The Connection Between Inner Child Work and Internal Family Systems (IFS)

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic modality developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz that views the mind as a collection of sub-personalities or "Parts," each with its own thoughts, feelings, and roles. While that sounds like it could be multiple personality disorder, it’s not.

In IFS, The Self (with a capital S) is the core of our being. Self is the compassionate, and wise aspect of our consciousness, connected directly to GOD/Universe/All/Spirit/etc, which can lead, and heal the other Parts.

What are the other Parts?

• Exiles: Inner child Parts that carry wounds from childhood that we have deeply repressed (or exiled) in our psyche. These Parts usually sound/feel like:

• I AM NOT ENOUGH

• I’M UNLOVEABLE

• I’M UNSAFE

• I AM WORTHLESS
  etc.

• Managers: These are Protector Parts that attempt to keep us “in control” of life’s circumstances; their goal is to protect the Exile from feeling pain/shame/etc. These Parts usually sound/feel like:

• Striving/Achieving (to keep the focus off of your shame/pain)

• Caretaking/Fixing (as a distraction from dealing with your own life)

• Planning/Preparing (in an attempt to avoid pain)

• Perfectionism (again, to detract from shame/pain) i.e. “If everything on the outside is perfect, no one will know how unhappy I am, and I can (try to) forget about how unhappy I am.”
  etc.

• Firefighters: There are also Protector Parts that come in when the Managers fail (which they always will). Firefighters show up when the Exile, or wounded Part, inevitably gets triggered. These Parts usually sound/feel like:

• Addictions: Sleeping, Shopping, Binge Eating, Sex, Video Games, Drugs/Alcohol, even Exercise, Cleaning or Working - anything done in excess, often, with a compulsive feeling behind it, or done in effort to AVOID feeling pain, shame, boredom, etc.

• Suicidal Thoughts/Self-Harm

• Physical/Verbal/Emotional Violence

• Obsession, Compulsion

• Fantasy/Escape
  etc.

If you find yourself exploding in anger often, you can rest assured that you’re witnessing a Firefighter lash out because an Exile felt pain.

If you can’t put down the booze, and you find yourself drinking every night after work, you can guarantee you have an Exile getting triggered throughout the day, and the Firefighter is striving to numb the pain for them.

You can start to see here how then we can begin to differentiate our Parts, and come to understand their relationships to each other.

Inner Child Work fits naturally within the IFS framework because the inner child is often an Exiled Part - a younger, vulnerable aspect of ourselves that may have been burdened by difficult experiences.

Likewise, our Managers and Firefighters are often our Inner Teens, or our young adult self.

IFS allows us to approach our Part with curiosity, compassion, and an open heart, providing a safe space for them to express their needs, fears, and desires to the Self. As the Self, you can then show up for your Parts in a healthy way.

Benefits of Inner Child Work

• Emotional Healing: By addressing the wounds of our inner child(ren), we can heal deep-seated emotional pain, leading to greater emotional resilience and inner peace.

• Improved Relationships: Understanding how our inner child(ren) influence(s) our interactions can help us break unhealthy patterns and form healthier, more aligned habits.

• Increased Self-Compassion: Inner child work fosters a compassionate relationship with ourselves, allowing us to treat our younger selves with the kindness and understanding they may have lacked in childhood.

• Enhanced Self-Awareness: Connecting with our inner child(ren) deepens our understanding of our triggers, fears, and motivations, empowering us to make conscious choices to change, rather than continuously reacting unconsciously.

So, How Can You Get Started?

• Educate Yourself: Begin by learning about Inner Child Work and IFS. Books, articles, and podcasts can provide valuable insights into the process! I highly recommend “No Bad Parts” by Dr. Richard Schwartz, or you can start with this episode of Dear Gabby, where she interviews Dr. Schwartz.

• Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your childhood experiences. Journaling can be a helpful tool to explore memories, emotions, and patterns that may be linked to your inner child(ren).

• Meditation: Practice mindfulness and meditation to cultivate a deeper connection with your Internal Family System. Guided meditations focused on inner child healing can be particularly beneficial! You can also find guided IFS meditations: here

• Seek Professional Guidance: Working with a therapist trained in IFS or Inner Child Work can provide a safe and supportive environment for deeper exploration and healing, and can help you in understanding the things you uncover as you take your journey.

• Creative Expression: Engaging in creative activities such as drawing, writing, or playing are all ways to reconnect with your inner child and express emotions that may be difficult to articulate in words. Plus, the inner child loves to play! Allowing them to express themselves heals them in a deep way, and helps them to feel seen, and heard.

• Practice Compassion: Approach your inner child with curiosity, compassion and courage (aspects of the Self). Imagine what this younger version of yourself needed during difficult times, and offer that support now, as the Self. If you make promises to your Internal Family System, make sure that you keep them!

Inner Child Work, when integrated with the principles of Internal Family Systems, offers a powerful pathway to healing and self-discovery.

By reconnecting with and nurturing our inner child(ren), we can transform our relationship with ourselves, cultivate deeper self-awareness, self-acceptance, and lead more authentic, integrated lives. Whether you're just beginning this journey or seeking to deepen your practice, the rewards of Inner Child Work are profound.

If it sounds daunting, I won’t lie to you, it can be. If you’ve exiled your inner child(ren) for any period of time they may not trust you (Self), and you may have several protector Parts that don’t trust you (Self) to access, or help the child(ren). Unblending from your Parts, and unburdening or healing them takes SO much time.

Be patient. Be kind. Stay connected. And play on.

Be well,
L