Filling a Void
I know dark places, my friends. I’ve been there. And back. And there, and back again.
Dark places in your very being that are void of love, compassion, acceptance, validation, safety or otherwise. Empty places.
It feels hollow, doesn’t it? Just thinking about the feeling.
I’ve tried to keep from feeling a void in my life for as long as I can remember. I’ve tried to patch up my holes, and soothe my demons with drugs and alcohol and parties, anger and violence, perfection and accomplishments… and I won’t be the first or last to tell you, but… none of it works.
I have to imagine that if you’ve found yourself here, seeing what Full Circle Wellness has to offer, seeing what this particular blog post has to say, that maybe you too, know dark places.
Perhaps you, too, would finally like to heal.
It’s uncomfortable. I know.
So uncomfortable in fact that I imagine you feel the urge to fill such a chasm with distractions, or quick fixes like scrolling through social media, binge watching HBO, online shopping, eating too much, sex, drugs, video games, alcohol…
But, you still feel empty afterwards, right? Somehow the void just feels more hollow and cavernous than before.
Well, the good news that I’m here to tell you is that there is another way.
In this post we’re going to explore how we can truly address “filling a void”, in ways that lead to long-term peace and happiness, instead of short term fuckery that gets us nowhere.
But First, What is The Void? Really?
There are a multitude of reasons people might feel a void in their lives, whether you feel it in your Body, Mind or Spirit. Sometimes the void is there because of:
Unresolved Trauma – If we have painful experiences, or chronic trauma from childhood that we haven’t processed, it can create a persistent feeling of emptiness, or feeling lost
Lack of Purpose – When we don’t feel connected to a larger purpose (one of the FCW pie slices!) or sense of direction for our lives, we often look for fulfillment outside of ourselves. Spoiler alert, fulfillment is found inside, but we’ll get to that.
Loneliness or a Lack of Connection – Both in friendships and romantic relationships, a lack of genuine connection can leave us feeling empty, lost, and unlovable, which can create a void for us to fill.
Self-Worth and Validation Issues – When we don’t feel good enough or worthy or loveable, we may seek ways to “prove” our value through external sources. Again, looking outside of ourselves for the validation, or worth that we should seek inside of ourselves.
Ultimately, feeling a void in your life for any of the reasons above boils down to a few core feelings, like one of the following:
You don’t believe that you are enough
You don’t believe that you are worthy
You don’t believe that you are lovable
You don’t validate yourself
You don’t accept yourself
Perhaps you don’t even LIKE yourself
All of these states can stem from things like unresolved trauma, and can lead to a life where you lack purpose, feel lonely, or empty. When any of these things ring true, they create a void that we often seek to fill outside of ourselves.
We want our job title to be proof that we’re enough… but it isn’t.
We want our physique to be proof that we are worthy… but it’s not.
We hope that our relationship status will prove that we are lovable… but it doesn’t.
We seek validation from family, friends, and strangers online, but it hits wrong, or doesn’t hit at all…
We want to be accepted and fit in…
We just want people to like us…and yet… Do we even like ourselves?
When all of this feels like it’s too much, when we get triggered regardless of all of the measures we take, we run away, numb, avoid, and attempt to cover up this bullet hole with flimsy bandaids.
The Flimsy Bandaids
While these habits are common, and might feel fulfilling temporarily, they usually don’t bring lasting happiness, nor do they solve the root problem:
Materialism and Overconsumption – Shopping, accumulating material goods, and chasing luxury can distract us from our inner needs, and make us feel “better than” others, but leave us empty in the end.
Overeating or Food Obsession – Food can often and easily serve as emotional comfort, and can also mask feelings of emptiness. If you suspect an eating disorder may be at play, seek help from a qualified health professional.
Substance Abuse – Alcohol, drugs, or other substances can dull the pain of not feeling good enough, or worthy, or lovable, temporarily, but ultimately vices like these can deepen the void, and leave us even more isolated, and unhealthy than before.
People-Pleasing and Codependency – Relying on validation from others can make us dependent and unfulfilled. We have no control over how others perceive us (even when we try very hard to have such control)... which means that at the end of the day, seeking validation outside of ourselves is a weak branch on which to land, and will leave us feeling more empty than before.
There are plenty of unhealthy ways in which we try to fill ourselves up when we feel empty; this only scratches the surface.
The truth is that there is more we can do for ourselves.
There are healthy ways to not only fill the hole, but heal it altogether.
Cleaning and Stitching the Wound
If the root cause is not believing we are lovable, worthy, enough… If we don’t validate, accept, or love ourselves first… and we are seeking to solve the problem with external solutions, herein lies the problem, because the solution isn’t outside of yourself, the solution is inward.
The solution is cultivating self-worth, learning to love yourself, trust yourself, valid and accept yourself, and all of your Parts - especially the Protectors attempting to use flimsy band aids to help you heal, because they’ve done their best, but it’s time to take back control of the care team.
So, how do we do that? How do we cultivate self-worth? How do we learn to love and trust ourselves? How do we learn to validate and accept ourselves? I’ve got some ideas:
Self-Compassion: If you’re going on this journey, you’re going to need to give yourself some grace. Life is hard. If you’re like me, you might have all kinds of things working against you. Give yourself some compassion. You and your Parts have been doing their best. Let them know you appreciate their efforts, but it’s time to make some changes.
Do What You Say You’re Going to Do: One of the fastest ways to build confidence in yourself, and start loving and trusting yourself, is to simply do what you say you’re going to do. Show up for yourself. Do the workout. Avoid the sugar. Save the money. Call the friend. Get the work done. The more you do this, the more you become a version of your SELF that you can trust. Conversely, if you’re always letting yourself down, and letting others down, you will continue to feel like you’re not enough, or like you’re incapable.
Prevention with Basics: This is ultimately what the Full Circle Wellness model is all about. Each of the Eight Key Factors embodies preventative actions (small right actions), that act as “preventative medicine”, for your life when acted upon consistently. This looks like getting exercise, eating nutritious food, reading for your edification, learning, growing, praying for guidance and listening to it when it comes, making time for joy, doing work that gives you purpose, keeping your financial ducks in a row… these Key Factors lead to a strong sense of Self.
Action is the KEY: Executing on the plan, or as my coach likes to say, “running the play”, is how you go from being stuck, and filling a void, and just surviving… to rising above it all and thriving. It starts with believing it’s possible, but you get there by taking action.
Feeling a void is a natural part of the human experience but can be a powerful opportunity for growth when you seek to fill it in a healthy way.
If you recognize that something is missing, or if you find yourself running, and numbing out regularly, stop and ask yourself what you’re running from? What void are you trying to fill? Are you unhappy? Do you not love yourself? Are you looking for external validation? Dig deep. Get to the root.
With patience and self-awareness, we can learn to meet our deepest needs in a healthy way, leading us to a more satisfying, fulfilled, and grounded life.
You’re worth the work. You always were. You just need to believe.
Be Well,
L
