Setting Boundaries
When it comes to embarking on a healing journey, taking the path to Full Circle Wellness, and choosing to make changes in your life to improve your overall well-being… you’re going to need to set some boundaries.
When I began my own journey… I left a job, I lost friends, I pissed off my family… putting yourself FIRST is no easy feat, and it’s even harder if you’ve were brought up to be a “good girl or boy”, or even worse, if you have ingrained people-pleasing tendencies as a response to growing up in a traumatic environment. But I assure you, with hard work and consistency, you CAN re-write your story.
At the end of the day, Full Circle Wellness is about YOU. Your healing journey is yours alone. When YOU are fully well, your relationships with others should, and will fall right into place. Because if YOU are fully well, you will step away from something toxic, and if YOU are fully well, you will lean into worthwhile connections, joy, and understanding in healthy and fulfilling relationships. Full Circle Wellness is about cleaning up your side of the street.
Below, I am sharing FIVE bits of advice, for setting healthy boundaries with friends and family, or even work and partners, while you focus on YOU, and your wellness.
Know what your boundaries are in the first place. Understand what you will and will not tolerate. Get a grip on your non-negotiables. If you can do this for yourself, you will be more effective at communicating this to others. Let people know upfront what you expect from them, from a situation, whatever the case may be. Here is an example: When I come home from work, I need time to decompress, and reset my mind for the evening, meaning, I need alone time to do whatever feels good before engaging in any kind of activity with my partner, who works from home. One day, I kindly sat him down to let him know, “When I come home, and you immediately want to go for a walk together, or hit the gym, or play with the dogs, or go do a chore or errands… I’m incredibly activated and flooded. I need time to decompress. Let me come home, take a beat, and approach you when I’m ready, then we can do whatever we need to do.” He totally understood because he respects my needs, and now I come home… change clothes, stretch a little, take a few deep breaths, pet my dog, sometimes I even do a quick meditation in my studio, and THEN, I head downstairs to check in with my boo and see what the evening holds for us.
Allow room for flexibility. Taylor Swift said it best… “Never be so polite, you forget your power; Never wield such power, you forget to be polite” Being too rigid risks isolation, but being too soft risks exploitation. It’s a tough balance to find, and it’s not fair that we have to walk tight ropes like this to get by in life (especially for women), but if you can strike such a balance, you’ll be better off.
Be okay with saying ‘NO’. Y’all… this was my “Year of No” (2023)… I said no to parties, and get-togethers that involved spending money, I said no to eating out, I said no to gifting extravagantly (something I like to do)… I skipped all kinds of things to focus on my bigger goals for the year… which were working on my finances and my health. This meant that I needed to say no to concerts I wanted to attend (except The Eras Tour… I wasn’t skipping that one!), dinners I wanted to have, clothes I wanted to buy, classes I wanted to take, even books I wanted to read. And I did that because saving and paying down debt this year was my number one goal, and I knew if I could spend even just a year, saying no to everything from the big to the fivolous, I would reach that goal 10x faster… and you guys… I’m almost there. There are 90 Days left in the year and I have no doubt my goal to slaughter (yes, slaughter) my credit card debt will be achieved. Here’s my caveat… This was hard. I’ve got a real people-pleaser part that wants to say YES to everything, accommodate everyone, go everywhere, do every activity. It takes work to silence that part, and get comfortable saying NO, when you want to say YES. And here’s the thing… you don’t need anyone’s permission but your own to do what you need to do for YOU. It is absolutely OKAY to say NO, without defending, debating or over-explaining yourself. Don’t apologize for what you need. Vibe with that.
Respect the boundaries of others. I just feel like I need to say this. If you want others to respect your boundaries, you need to respect theirs. AND, don’t be afraid for a relationship or a friendship or a job, falling apart because you’ve decided to stand in your Truth. If someone only wants to be your friend, or be with you, because you DON’T set boundaries, you never had something good from the beginning. Good, healthy relationships and friendships (even jobs), REQUIRE mutual respect. If someone only wants your time and energy if they can control you or walk all over you, get. the. fuck. out. now. But also, think about how you show up in your relationships with others… are you the one controlling another, or disrespecting their boundaries? Take a look. I said it once, but I’ll say it again, Full Circle Wellness is about cleaning up YOUR side of the street.
This is a big one. And maybe it will ruffle some feathers, but it’s true… You have to learn the difference between someone disrespecting you, and you FEELING disrespected, because it’s just not the same thing. I’ve run into this myself, time and time again with my partner where he offers advice, or sheds light on something I’m doing (sometimes even at my behest, where I’ve said, please tell me when I’m doing XYZ) and I don’t hear him because I am flat out triggered, and offended, and I go straight to “you’re trying to hurt me.” No. He isn’t. Emotional ears hear from a place of “offended”… not because of what someone says to you, but because YOU are triggered by their words. Their words may be coming from a place of love, grace and compassion, but if it’s a trigger for you, you’re going to find offense. This is why I’m bothered, more or less, by “trying not to trigger people.” It is the responsibility of each and every person to get ahold of their own triggers. Do not let WORDS, or the opinions of others hold power over you, dear soul. Again… we’re cleaning up OUR SIDE of the street. If you don’t know and understand your triggers, everything is going to feel like an attack. And my friend, this is where therapy comes into play. I cannot say enough about find a good therapist if you’re on any kind of internal journey, or doing healing work on yourself. I highly recommend BetterHelp, but find what works best for YOU.
Much like anything else on a healing journey, boundaries are going to differ from person to person. Know what you want. This work is about understanding yourself so that you can effectively communicate who you are, your wants, your needs, to others, to the world, and beyond. As you experiment with your boundaries, and gaining confidence in setting them, show yourself some grace. If you’ve never done this kind of work before, know that it’s going to take time.
It’s hard work to unlearn things you learned in childhood. It’s difficult to change your mindset and your beliefs about who you are and what you deserve. It’s really tough to apply new information as you learn better. It takes effort to develop new habits. And it’s going to require some trial and error with setting healthy boundaries.
But…
It can be done.
I believe in you.
Be well,
Leah
